Entering a ME! Era

A week ago, I had an epiphany. 

I was sitting on the floor of my office, which moonlights as a guest room maybe 3 weeks a year, trying to make a three-screen computer setup work on my tiny but adorable vintage desk. The desk was built in the 1920s, and it was not made for modern tech, most especially not a fully functional laptop and two 24" monitors, plus notebooks and sketch pads. 

Obviously, the desk was fighting me and I was losing patience. 

I'm not saying I screamed "fuck" more than 10 times, but I'm also not saying it. Because I actually swore 23 times inside of an hour. My husband counted and informed me. He likes to count my swears when I'm doing a project. Honestly, our house was built by a man who had no concept of functional space or measurement. Everything is just slightly off from industry standards so most modern conveniences don't really work. Don't even get me started on how everything that is "centered" is always a couple of inches off from center. So I swear a lot when trying to do ANYTHING in this house. 

But back to the story of my epiphany: I was wrestling this desk when I just gave up, slumped over, and asked the universe (loudly): "Why the fuck am I trying so hard to make this fucking desk work? IT'S TOO FUCKING SMALL."

And then I threw the Allan wrench.

Don't worry, Allan wasn't hurt. 

But it was a rhetorical question. I knew why I was trying to make the tiny desk work. Because it's the only desk in the house that fits in that room, and the reason the desk has to be so small is because the guest bed takes up most of the space. And like the rest of the house, everything is just weird enough in this room that only ONE orientation of the bed works, and that makes it impossible to have a real, functional desk. 

And that was when the epiphany ricochetted through my brain. 

This is my office. 

This is MY office. 

THIS IS MY OFFICE. 

This is my office, so why on earth am I sacrificing my use of it for the guests who DON'T live here? 95% of the year, this is MY space, but 95% of the space isn't set up for MY use. I am constantly uncomfortable and inhibited by my limitations in this space because I want OTHER PEOPLE to be comfortable? 

What. The. Fuck. 

So that hit me. And then I just...got up. I took some pictures. Mattress. Mattress pads. Bedding. Bed frame. Bedside table. Makeup mirror. And I put it all up on my neighborhood buy nothing group: first come, first serve. And within 48 hours, it was all gone. 

Except my little desk. I'm going to freshen her up and sell her to someone who appreciates dovetailed drawers and wrought iron handles. 

When my husband saw what I had done he said, "What are guests going to sleep on?"

I said, "The couch I'm ordering doubles as a bed. It won't be very comfortable, but they're staying here for free, so they get what they get."

Wisely, he refrained from further commentary. Maybe he realized he was lucky I didn't say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

What you have to know about me is this: my brain operates on multiple levels at the same time. Everything in my brain is in a file, and it catalogs and categorizes different things into different files, and it's constantly pulling things up and moving things around. So even as I was putting all of that furniture up on Facebook, my brain was building my new office/library combo in my head. Dark green, floor to ceiling shelves on the back wall framing the window, and the front wall that is completely solid. Blinds taken down, frosted black diamond windowpanes filtering light and privacy instead. A faded, green rug, a new standing desk with a white ergonomic chair, and a deep green couch, ultra-wide, that I can curl my legs up to read and my feet don't hang off the edge. 

Once I had my vision, I ran with it. I used Microsoft Paint to make my mood board (I couldn't find shelves like I wanted so I had AI render it). One week later I have the rug, the chair, the desk, and the couch. I've used the IKEA website to work out how many of which shelves I need. I picked out some of my best skeletal anatomy drawings, framed them, and hung them up. I found corner shelves for my recessed window, and I've got the whole mood board done. 

When I get the shelves and trim them out to hide the fact that they are multiple units, all of my books will migrate from the living room into my library, and then my husband and I can buy art that we love and not worry about where it will fit in the house. 

My older sister thought that it was really selfish of me to just get rid of my guest bed and get a couch that can convert to a bed. "Don't you want your guests to feel welcome?"

Is this a trick question? 

I mean...I don't want them to be unwelcome, but I don't want them to be more comfortable for a few days than I am for the entire year. 

Is that selfish? 

I don't fucking think so, but I guess I can ask my therapist tomorrow. I'll tell her I've decided I'm entering a ME! Era and see if she thinks it's constructive or destructive. It's too late now, though. I already got rid of everything and bought all of this stuff so there's really no stopping the train now. 

And I think my guests should consider themselves lucky to have free accommodations that are clean and beautiful, even if they aren't the most comfortable for sleeping. 

Personally, I'd love to sleep in a library. Wouldn't you? 

PS. I'm not anticipating anyone will read this. But if you are reading this, and you happen to have a recommendation for a program (needs to work on Windows) that allows me to design spaces and make mood boards, and it works better than Paint, can you leave that info in a comment?