Defining the Boundaries of the ME! Era.

What will my ME! Era entail?  

I woke up this morning wondering how to define it. It has to have clear boundaries, right? I'm not declaring that I'm going to be completely selfish and do whatever I want, no matter the consequences. 

But if it's been construed as selfish to say, "My office needs to function for me first, and guests are secondary," then literally anything I do for myself could be assessed that way. 

I guess the first rule, then, is to establish what constitutes truly selfish behavior versus self-care behavior. 

Self-care = deliberate choices that maintain or improve my physical, mental, or emotional stability without violating my acknowledged responsibilities. 

Selfish = disregarding the needs, agreements, or well-being of others in a way that creates avoidable harm or imbalance, especially when I know better. 

Which of course leads me to: 

Necessary selfishness = choosing myself at the inconvenience of others intentionally because to not do so would affect me detrimentally over time.

Ergo, I can't shift burdens onto someone else simply because I don't want to do it. I can't ignore consequences knowing they will fall on others. I'll respect the reality of living: I won't ignore it to just have a good time. 

Case and point: kicking out the guest function and focusing my office 100% on myself, featuring a convertible couch that is perfect for reading, studying, and writing, with an option for overnight guests that is less comfortable and convenient for their use. 

Selfish? Yes. Necessary for my sanity and neck? Also, yes. 

So, to assess each choice, maybe this needs a litmus test of sorts? 

I can ask myself: 

    A. Am I ignoring a known responsibility? 

    B. Am I offloading the fallout of MY actions onto someone else unfairly? 

    C. Would I still think this was reasonable if the roles were reversed? 

    D. If it's selfish, is it necessary selfishness? 

This isn't about just having fun. It's not about avoiding the necessary stresses of adulting in the 2020s. It's about clarity. It's boundaries. It's ownership of my own space, time, and energy. 

I'm not reckless and I'm not going to suddenly start behaving recklessly. But I also won't be apologetic for taking up space. And it's not going to be negotiable. At least, not in the ways that matter. 

So phase one of ME! is building out my home office. Let's put it to the Litmus Test: 

A. Am I ignoring a known responsibility? Nope. This space will help me focus on my coursework responsibilities with less pain and discomfort. 

B. Am I offloading the fallout of MY actions onto someone else unfairly? Nope. I'm paying for most of this with my own discretionary funds, and handling its conversion, construction, and modifications myself. 

C. Would I still think this was reasonable if the roles were reversed? Of course, but I've already demonstrated that when I designed my husband's Zen office space for him last year. 

D. If it's selfish, is it necessary selfishness? It is entirely for me and will spend some household funds because it allows for all of the books to be moved from the living room into this designated space. If the guests are less comfortable for a few days out of the year and I get to be comfortable while working for the entire year, it's necessary. 

So there we have it. 

As a side note, my husband is welcome to enjoy the library space, so long as the following rules are followed (it is first and foremost my space, after all). 

1. His work computer, and any parts of his job, are not allowed inside of this space at all. His work has to be left at the door if he can't leave it inside of his own office. 

2.  If the door is closed, he stays away. If I am working and want to be alone to power through, or if I just want to be alone to read or draw or whatever, he has to respect my privacy

3. This space is not for conflict. Ever. If something needs to be addressed, it happens outside of this room. 

4. He is not allowed beyond the couch: the desk area and everything behind it is my domain. (This follows for guests, too). 

And there we have it. The ME! Era is essentially: I will not make myself smaller to maintain a harmony that requires me to disappear. 

P.S. My therapist heartily approves of the ME! Era. And she thinks it's great that I'm taking back my office and acknowledging my self-value.